This is the true story of an experience I had on our trip to Alaska several years ago. It was originally published on my website in 1998.
My Wolf Brothers
It was a crisp, dawn morning(about 9:30am, due to the time of year) and the sun was just starting to glisten on the snow outside the cabin. It was very cold as I walked out onto the wooden porch of the cabin and stood there drinking my coffee. I knew it was going to take several hours to get the Land Cruiser warmed up enough to take off again, so I was in no particular hurry. The cabin was in a remote village in Alaska called Tok. It's directly off the Al-Can, but that's not saying much as the whole village is about 20 buildings. Our cabin was on the very edge of this and the absolute wilderness lay a mere 50 yards from my cabin's porch. There was a small clearing for the cabin and then a solid wall of forest beyond. It was here that my gaze was fixed that cold clear morning. The sun was coming through the trees like a huge swarm of fire flies dancing everywhere.
I suddenly became aware of just how unusually still and quiet it was. I realized even the slight breeze had calmed. I've spent enough years hiking and camping to know that something was up. I sipped my coffee and looked around the clearing and peered as deeply as I could into the woods looking for signs of movement. (They had just recently had a few bear attacks, so I really had the thought of some rogue bear bounding out of the woods on my mind.) I had stood there for about 10 minutes and it was kind of mesmerizing to become so focused on the silence...almost like a trance came over me. I was deep in this state of feeling when I heard the most primal sound I've ever heard in my life. And it was very, very close to me. The long lone howl of a wolf pierced the silence like Excalibur itself. The sound shook through my body down to my toes. It was loud, much louder than I would of expected and long and deep and very low. The wolf could not have been more than 10 feet beyond the edge of the clearing. He was right there almost in front of me, yet invisible in the vail of the forest. I finally remembered to breathe a minute or so later, and had just drawn in that breath, when he repeated this long, low howl. I was totally transfixed on this sound. I could not move, only feel. It felt like the whole world just stopped. Then for what seemed like ages, but was only another minute or two there was silence again. I still couldn't breathe, could only feel and listen in this altered reality.
Then from the other side of the clearing, I heard an answering howl. There were two of them. This one was slightly higher, distinct and yet just as powerful. They talked back and forth to each other and to me. Then as if I could have opened the gates of heaven, I heard two more, and then another, and another. Some eight distinctive howls I heard within yards of the clearing. Like a chorus howling madly at the dawn. This symphony of wolfsong went on for almost 20 full minutes...as I just stood, barely breathing, allowing the sound to engulf me. I heard them rustle the leaves, I knew where they were. I heard them yip and howl and yip again, between themselves. They played with me, for me and yet I never saw them...not once. I heard their voices, listened to their song and almost danced with them, became them somehow and was playing in the forest with them. They finally howled themselves away, and I listened for another 10 or so minutes as I heard the last of them howl far off in the distance. I couldn't move at first. I realized I hadn't moved a muscle in over thirty minutes. My coffee cup almost frozen to my hand, I slowly sat down on the porch, and breathed deeply. I couldn't move or speak for maybe another 30 minutes as I just couldn't let go of the sound in my head and deep in my heart. I finally slowly came back to reality, but I will never be quite the same after that experience. I danced with the wolves that morning and I do still to this day.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Lost Arts...
There was a time..long ago..in my childhood, when all the other kids were out playing football and riding bikes on a lazy Texas Saturday morning. I however, was parked in my grandmother's dining room, pouring over the large, open volume of "Amy Vanderbilt's Book of Etiquette". I was carefully supervised by my grandmother in the art of setting a proper dinner table, as well as the proper etiquette for using each of the myriad tools laid out on the table. I was taught how to deal with waiters, how waiters should act and serve, how I should respond, etc. The reasoning for all this was to prevent me from making some horrific mistake in the company of finer society. I dreaded those mornings, but managed some twisted satisfaction if I performed admirably for my grandmother. It was just "expected" in my family growing up.
Later in life, I have found all that training to be a blessing and a curse. It has stood me well, in business and social situations, where I'm never at a loss or embarassed or nervous when presented with a formal situation. It has also proven at times to be seen as "uppity" or "snobbish", by others who are intimidated by my knowledge. The thing my grandmother didn't teach me, was that there was another side to life, where all those "rules" were invalid and any attempt to display them was seen as my thinking I was better than someone else. I had to learn when and where to use my talents on my own.
I've often debated whether or not any of it really mattered in the long run, except that it does when it's required or "expected". So knowing in that instance is still better than not knowing. My most common example being trying to take girlfriends to meet my grandmother. It always was an "afternoon tea" type situation..an audition if you will, before any other introductions to family or society could be contemplated. The first couple of girlfriends, I just brought to tea and it was a disaster. My grandmother could hardly contain her contempt of my choices. It wasn't that they were bad girls, just not schooled in any formal way and that was enough to scratch them from my grandmother's list. Slowly I decided that the only way I could have a social life that included my girlfriends and family in the same room was to "school" the girls prior to any meeting with my grandmother. I had a few breakups with girls who thought I'd gone off my rocker, but the ones that toiled and learned were the keepers and the ones that made my life livable and compatible with the whole of my being.
My grandmother passed several years ago and since then I've allowed myself to pretty much walk away from all that formalism, as it's no longer a requirement of my lifestyle. My mother although formal, doesn't "demand" the same social rigor. She appreciates it when it's there, but realizes that not everyone is gonna know the rules.
Fast forward to this Thanksgiving. Mom recently moved down to Tennessee and has been putting her house together and having a few basic social gatherings. She likes to entertain, hostess and set a formal table for the holidays. This Thanksgiving though, she realized that she really is short some silverware serving pieces that she'd like to have to finish out her sets. This is not to say that she'd never had these pieces, but as with anything in life, certain pieces disappeared over time through a hundred different paths.
Julia had already told her that she'd better tell her what she wanted for Christmas or she'd get another Lowe's gift card, which we really didn't want to do this year. Mom mentioned serving pieces and we thought..that's perfect and set out to find them in short order!
Then came the quest! I was completely shocked to find that serving pieces are becoming a dying breed. They are still available if you're willing to pay about $20-100 a piece for each for open stock like Gorham or Towle..but the basic stainless pieces are almost forgotten. Mom wanted basic stainless, nothing major expensive, just nice and functional to fill out her set. I remember even 25 years ago, when doing theater, we had to have inexpensive "silver service" as props for several plays we did and they were readily available. Walking into a store today, you can't find them. You can find a wide variety of flatware and cooking utensils, but even finding a basic meat fork, gravy ladle, or cake knife is almost non-existent. Part of it may be the small rural community I live in, but it took a trip to Jackson and 4 different stores to gather a decent array of the required pieces and it will be quite an ecclectic set as there was ZERO opportunity to find one brand and style to match for all the required pieces. I had also searched heavily online prior to making the trip too, but to little avail.
We did manage to gather a nice collection that she'll enjoy and use well, but it saddens me to realize that so much of what I was taught was important is just dying out, like an untended fire. I can't blame anyone, because I'm just as guilty as the rest for becoming lazy and uncaring. I guess that there are still social circles where all the graces are still practiced and understood. I know I'm not even confronted anymore with the need to know, except at my mom's holiday table and the occasional wedding reception.
I guess I just hope that somehow we don't lose the joy and beauty of a well-laid table, with all it's regalia and symmetry.
Later in life, I have found all that training to be a blessing and a curse. It has stood me well, in business and social situations, where I'm never at a loss or embarassed or nervous when presented with a formal situation. It has also proven at times to be seen as "uppity" or "snobbish", by others who are intimidated by my knowledge. The thing my grandmother didn't teach me, was that there was another side to life, where all those "rules" were invalid and any attempt to display them was seen as my thinking I was better than someone else. I had to learn when and where to use my talents on my own.
I've often debated whether or not any of it really mattered in the long run, except that it does when it's required or "expected". So knowing in that instance is still better than not knowing. My most common example being trying to take girlfriends to meet my grandmother. It always was an "afternoon tea" type situation..an audition if you will, before any other introductions to family or society could be contemplated. The first couple of girlfriends, I just brought to tea and it was a disaster. My grandmother could hardly contain her contempt of my choices. It wasn't that they were bad girls, just not schooled in any formal way and that was enough to scratch them from my grandmother's list. Slowly I decided that the only way I could have a social life that included my girlfriends and family in the same room was to "school" the girls prior to any meeting with my grandmother. I had a few breakups with girls who thought I'd gone off my rocker, but the ones that toiled and learned were the keepers and the ones that made my life livable and compatible with the whole of my being.
My grandmother passed several years ago and since then I've allowed myself to pretty much walk away from all that formalism, as it's no longer a requirement of my lifestyle. My mother although formal, doesn't "demand" the same social rigor. She appreciates it when it's there, but realizes that not everyone is gonna know the rules.
Fast forward to this Thanksgiving. Mom recently moved down to Tennessee and has been putting her house together and having a few basic social gatherings. She likes to entertain, hostess and set a formal table for the holidays. This Thanksgiving though, she realized that she really is short some silverware serving pieces that she'd like to have to finish out her sets. This is not to say that she'd never had these pieces, but as with anything in life, certain pieces disappeared over time through a hundred different paths.
Julia had already told her that she'd better tell her what she wanted for Christmas or she'd get another Lowe's gift card, which we really didn't want to do this year. Mom mentioned serving pieces and we thought..that's perfect and set out to find them in short order!
Then came the quest! I was completely shocked to find that serving pieces are becoming a dying breed. They are still available if you're willing to pay about $20-100 a piece for each for open stock like Gorham or Towle..but the basic stainless pieces are almost forgotten. Mom wanted basic stainless, nothing major expensive, just nice and functional to fill out her set. I remember even 25 years ago, when doing theater, we had to have inexpensive "silver service" as props for several plays we did and they were readily available. Walking into a store today, you can't find them. You can find a wide variety of flatware and cooking utensils, but even finding a basic meat fork, gravy ladle, or cake knife is almost non-existent. Part of it may be the small rural community I live in, but it took a trip to Jackson and 4 different stores to gather a decent array of the required pieces and it will be quite an ecclectic set as there was ZERO opportunity to find one brand and style to match for all the required pieces. I had also searched heavily online prior to making the trip too, but to little avail.
We did manage to gather a nice collection that she'll enjoy and use well, but it saddens me to realize that so much of what I was taught was important is just dying out, like an untended fire. I can't blame anyone, because I'm just as guilty as the rest for becoming lazy and uncaring. I guess that there are still social circles where all the graces are still practiced and understood. I know I'm not even confronted anymore with the need to know, except at my mom's holiday table and the occasional wedding reception.
I guess I just hope that somehow we don't lose the joy and beauty of a well-laid table, with all it's regalia and symmetry.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Giving Thanks
Having just turned 49 yesterday and with Thanksgiving tomorrow, I stand at a particularly reflective place at the moment. I have enough years on me now to know that I don't have all the answers; that all that glitters is not gold; that truth can be grey and love can be real. It's been a full and worthy life so far, with many roads well traveled.
I count the years that I theoretically might have left and try and decide what I might still be able to accomplish within this time frame. It's not a bucket list as such, more just a sharpening of focus on what truly is important and what is just fluff and not worth pursuing. My great debate of the moment is whether to pursue a goal of downscaling to allow more travel or to work on my environmental goals of getting "off the grid" which would require much more time and effort on the homefront. Both are worthy, but which to choose? I could probably travel for more years than I'd be able to physically maintain a self-sufficient lifestyle complete with solar, wind, own veggy garden and livestock, etc.
I realize I'm tired and weary of decisions, but it's not in my nature to quit or stop learning and exploring. I ask myself is this a flaw, a curse or something higher, more spiritual? Is there a point where I can say I've done it all, I'm happy with all I've achieved and that be enough for this life? I can't imagine that point. I feel joy and satisfaction at each stage of the journey, but to me, the journey and not the destination, is the true goal. I honestly feel like, if I ever got to that point, I would shortly wither and fade.
And so I return to my strategy and planning. Each facet of my life, reflecting on the others, pushing me constantly to seek the next level. It's like chess..at the beginning of the game, you have several opening moves, but as the game progresses, you must become much more strategic or you will quickly run out of options and find yourself in checkmate. This is my life at the moment..about half-way through the chess game.
This is my constant pursuit, my constant search for truth and experience. But what has this to do with "Giving Thanks"..the title of this post? For every success we have in life, for every goal reached, we may have made the steps ourselves or pushed ourselves to the brink, but it is very seldom, if ever done, without any outside support. When the actor receives the Oscar, he approaches the podium receives his reward and then proceeds to try and consolidate the usually long list of people who helped him get to that one point in life. He is never able to complete the list, due to time constraints and truthfully even without airtime to consider, is it truly possible to thank or remember every single person that led us to a particular point in life?
I come from a strong, independent family who instilled solid values in me. I have found steadfast friends and their families too, who have taught me so much along the way. I've been blessed to pursue several different careers, to travel much and experience life from many different economic positions and appreciate the merits and flaws of each. I've known great health and stamina and been stricken by illness and disability. Each small facet, a miniature lifetime in itself. Thankful for each experience, both the good and the bad, without which any single change in my path, could of led me in a completely different direction. Thankful for each moment, each breath, each hug, smile and tear, each word of encouragement, each word of disgust and reprimand, each sunrise and each sunset and all the clouds in between.
Giving thanks is not just simple prayer before a meal, it's a way of being, a way of experiencing and cherishing each moment as it happens, knowing that it may never come again and embracing it fully. In that instant, in that truth, is where the depth of life resides. It is the essence of the saying.."Stop and smell the roses". It teaches us that each moment in life is blessed and worthy of thanks.
I close my eyes and breathe and let my mind absorb the moment and give thanks that I am in this place in my life, knowing that each step along the way will be worthy, so long as I cherish it and give thanks for it and what it teaches me.
I count the years that I theoretically might have left and try and decide what I might still be able to accomplish within this time frame. It's not a bucket list as such, more just a sharpening of focus on what truly is important and what is just fluff and not worth pursuing. My great debate of the moment is whether to pursue a goal of downscaling to allow more travel or to work on my environmental goals of getting "off the grid" which would require much more time and effort on the homefront. Both are worthy, but which to choose? I could probably travel for more years than I'd be able to physically maintain a self-sufficient lifestyle complete with solar, wind, own veggy garden and livestock, etc.
I realize I'm tired and weary of decisions, but it's not in my nature to quit or stop learning and exploring. I ask myself is this a flaw, a curse or something higher, more spiritual? Is there a point where I can say I've done it all, I'm happy with all I've achieved and that be enough for this life? I can't imagine that point. I feel joy and satisfaction at each stage of the journey, but to me, the journey and not the destination, is the true goal. I honestly feel like, if I ever got to that point, I would shortly wither and fade.
And so I return to my strategy and planning. Each facet of my life, reflecting on the others, pushing me constantly to seek the next level. It's like chess..at the beginning of the game, you have several opening moves, but as the game progresses, you must become much more strategic or you will quickly run out of options and find yourself in checkmate. This is my life at the moment..about half-way through the chess game.
This is my constant pursuit, my constant search for truth and experience. But what has this to do with "Giving Thanks"..the title of this post? For every success we have in life, for every goal reached, we may have made the steps ourselves or pushed ourselves to the brink, but it is very seldom, if ever done, without any outside support. When the actor receives the Oscar, he approaches the podium receives his reward and then proceeds to try and consolidate the usually long list of people who helped him get to that one point in life. He is never able to complete the list, due to time constraints and truthfully even without airtime to consider, is it truly possible to thank or remember every single person that led us to a particular point in life?
I come from a strong, independent family who instilled solid values in me. I have found steadfast friends and their families too, who have taught me so much along the way. I've been blessed to pursue several different careers, to travel much and experience life from many different economic positions and appreciate the merits and flaws of each. I've known great health and stamina and been stricken by illness and disability. Each small facet, a miniature lifetime in itself. Thankful for each experience, both the good and the bad, without which any single change in my path, could of led me in a completely different direction. Thankful for each moment, each breath, each hug, smile and tear, each word of encouragement, each word of disgust and reprimand, each sunrise and each sunset and all the clouds in between.
Giving thanks is not just simple prayer before a meal, it's a way of being, a way of experiencing and cherishing each moment as it happens, knowing that it may never come again and embracing it fully. In that instant, in that truth, is where the depth of life resides. It is the essence of the saying.."Stop and smell the roses". It teaches us that each moment in life is blessed and worthy of thanks.
I close my eyes and breathe and let my mind absorb the moment and give thanks that I am in this place in my life, knowing that each step along the way will be worthy, so long as I cherish it and give thanks for it and what it teaches me.
...and so it begins.
I've debated for some time now about starting a blog. I had a website that I ran for years (some of which I'll probably port over here), but I felt I'd outgrown it somehow, so I took it down and have languished over not writing since then. I just recently joined Facebook and i've rekindled my need to communicate once again, however Facebook just doesn't allow me the freedom and depth of expression that I want to share. As you'll soon gather, I'm fairly verbose and small comments just don't let me get my points across effectively.
With that said, my trail begins. This is not my first trail by any means...just a new path or more correctly the place in my life where the pavement changes. My path has always been the one with heart. I hold to my values and honor my soul, without which I would surely lose my way. Daily I see this world crumbling into ruin and my hope for this blog is to somehow create a spark of memory in those that dare to read, that reminds us what life should truly be about. It's the search for truth, the compassion of the strong, the depth of meaning in life, apart from technology, money and all else that corrupts us. We forget our humanity and lose ground all too easily in this chaos of the modern world.
This doesn't preclude me from being "political" when need be, as I also feel that politics to some degree can affect the masses and bring change and hope if properly focused. So I hope to cheer the good guys and rant on the bad ones, bringing my own style and insight to the fray.
I'll also share much of my personal journey, with it's ups and downs, daily battles and victories. My journey evolves on many different fronts, from health to career, overcoming dysfunction, relationships, regaining strength of will and of course my twisted sense of humor.
So follow along if you can...
With that said, my trail begins. This is not my first trail by any means...just a new path or more correctly the place in my life where the pavement changes. My path has always been the one with heart. I hold to my values and honor my soul, without which I would surely lose my way. Daily I see this world crumbling into ruin and my hope for this blog is to somehow create a spark of memory in those that dare to read, that reminds us what life should truly be about. It's the search for truth, the compassion of the strong, the depth of meaning in life, apart from technology, money and all else that corrupts us. We forget our humanity and lose ground all too easily in this chaos of the modern world.
This doesn't preclude me from being "political" when need be, as I also feel that politics to some degree can affect the masses and bring change and hope if properly focused. So I hope to cheer the good guys and rant on the bad ones, bringing my own style and insight to the fray.
I'll also share much of my personal journey, with it's ups and downs, daily battles and victories. My journey evolves on many different fronts, from health to career, overcoming dysfunction, relationships, regaining strength of will and of course my twisted sense of humor.
So follow along if you can...
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